One month later.

2014 began with our family openly sharing our journey of transition and leaving the place we have called home for eleven years. We have been willing to share the emotions and steps involved in this life change but upon arrival in Australia, we felt the need for some space and for some rest before "the rest of our lives." I had assumed that getting to Australia would make things easier, less stressful and definitely less painful but I was wrong.

In the midst of this last month we have learnt a valuable, life applicable lesson that I am certain will leave a lasting impression. "Find the positive" and make it known to each other, may sound simple enough but it was quite a journey reaching that point. As home schoolers we have a great deal of liberty on our study topics. One of the weeks we took a look at Lent and Easter, sorting through the various traditions and origins to find what suits our family in celebrating together. One of the areas we looked into is the somewhat traditional fasting during the period of lent. We made an adjustment to suit our situation and have implemented our family's "say so" fast. In essence it means that what comes out of our mouth for this season always has a positive spin and focuses for right now on what is amazing about being here. Basically, what are we saying?

Now I am not advocating crushing the grieving process or forgetting our past, far from it. Instead we are choosing where we give our attention and what we speak. Arriving in a new culture it is remarkably easy to see the negative aspects like someone is shining a spotlight on them. Instead we are turning off that spotlight and finding the good. What happened next was worth all the effort, first we found the good, then discovered there was even better, great and downright amazing. So the negative spotlight has been switched off and we are walking so much healthier.

I apologize to those we may have offended by taking this time to be a family, to walk into this new season with each other and carefully selected guides. Relationships are incredibly important and for the most part our friends have been incredibly understanding, giving grace and space to make this journey. Walk through the change, pain and move into a place where we still miss the Philippines, our family and friends there but we have a healthy optimistic view of the future as well.

Destination Australia, at least for a season.

Jeremiah and Ethan

Rafts come in all different shapes and sizes and I am certain that there would be an indefinite number of options for materials, colours, style and design. Our RAFT has four distinct parts, three of which have been discussed and already processed through into the realm of reality and the now. The final piece of our RAFT is "Think Destination." To be totally honest this was the piece that we focussed on the least because we knew that we would be surrounded by family upon our return to Australia. My parents had opened their home to us and we were pretty sure they would feed us, at least for a while.

 

One of the skills I have learned through this process of transition is to focus on the moment. I am a logistical, planning and strategic mind, I love to think something through from beginning to end and make what seems to be impossible happen. Unfortunately, this has meant that in the past I have been so focussed on what was coming next I did not enjoy the moment I was in, to its fullest. I made a determined effort to change that mentality, to build the first three pieces of my RAFT with intent and to be in every moment taking it in and making memories. 

 

Rejoice, Serene and Jasmine

As a result, our destination thinking was limited to "who is picking us up from the airport and where are we staying for the first month?" Now that we have arrived safely and are in the "Australia season" we have begun to process this final piece of the RAFT more clearly. Making decisions around school, transport, work, church and the basics of life. After weeks of what could be described as an emotional rollercoaster that seemed to toy with my very sanity at times, working through such basic and logistical needs is almost bland. Compared to the constant stream of goodbyes, settling is so much easier on the emotions yet it certainly has its moments.

 

Couples date night at Vikings

Nothing could have prepared me for the surprising emotions that pop up unexpectedly and in random locations. Last week I found myself reduced to tears standing in the grocery store trying to pick a toothpaste from such a vast selection. Then again in the pet food section my heart decided right that moment was a good time to express how much I was missing my two delightful beagles. Life can certainly seem to take delight in throwing the odd curve to your otherwise straight path, so I have learned to take a breath, to close my eyes and if possible laugh along the way. 

 

 

Who said "It is not Goodbye?"

It is a natural reaction to do all within our power to avoid that which causes us pain. When leaving a place we have called home for many years and moving countries the process of saying goodbye is painful. As a mother I can say without hesitation watching my children say goodbye to their friends and seeing their hearts sink as they realize we may not see them again on this earth is heart breaking. It would be easy to attempt to avoid this pain by trying to run away without saying goodbye but the result of this decision would be a gaping hole in the child's history and a feeling of "unfinished business." So, despite the pain it is important to say goodbye to people, places, pets and possessions.

 

 

There is no set way or rules surrounding this step in our RAFT except that it is important not to forget the "Farewells" log. Sleepovers, boat day, dinners and visits to friends houses played such important parts in our last three weeks in Davao. Time taken to equally affirm our relationship with someone and to say goodbye were crucial in the preparation to leave. For our family ensuring that our beagle dogs had a home, setting up a storage for our personal goods that could not come with us but that we may have the opportunity to ship later and taking the time to visit special places that play an important part in our family history were all important steps in the goodbye process. Remembering that people are only a part of the goodbye process, especially for children was a key in leaving whole and healthy.

There are too many people to mention here who have impacted our lives over the years of working in Davao but as with all relationships some are closer and more meaningful than others which inevitably means more pain when we separate. The last three weeks I believe I have cried more than I anticipated, laughed harder than I thought possible and enjoyed events with a new found freedom to feel the pain knowing that it makes those relationships stronger and more meaningful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it Important Enough to Say So?

 

Jasmine building her decorating her memory
baskets to give to friends.
 

Each day our RAFT is taking shape nicely we have spent the last two weeks focusing on two steps that intertwine effectively. The intentional steps to follow this tour guide's plan has been confronting and challenging but most of all very rewarding. The second piece or step in our raft is "Affirmation" and definitely one of the joys of the transition journey. It is the time taken to express the value of a relationship, the words spoken or written to encourage a gift or talent and the presents to leave a lasting impression on those we love. Affirmation is the step that allows you to scream from the roof top, this relationship is too important to me to just walk away from, you are special to me and I want to make sure you know how my heart feels.



Ethan writing a note
to go inside the memory
basket.

Walking this journey with my children has been enlightening. They are so honest and open about their feelings, if given a listening ear. Affirmation seems to come as second nature for them and certainly has been a highlight of our preparation. We have been preparing what we call "memory baskets" to give to people: handmade, decorated with love and full of yumminess. The baskets are for people who the children want to say "you are my friend and I want you to remember that fact." They have put a lot of thought into this process and the conversation around the craft table has been full of laughter, stories and memory highlights of the person they are making the basket for at that moment.

 

An important part of my personal journey was taking the time
to affirm my relationship with this amazing couple.

I am walking my own personal journey through this piece of the raft, different from my children. Inspired by their passion I too am allowing some creative juices to flow and my heart's expression to be set free in a variety of ways. I have enjoyed giving gifts, writing cards and whispering something special in the midst of a hug.

The third piece of the RAFT fits like a hand in glove to affirmation, stay tuned for more construction efforts in the midst of transition.

Reconciliation - not a public event

As a vital first step in the RAFT building process, David Pollock introduces to our world of transition and change the concept of "Reconciliation" before departure. Although familiar with the word and even the concept to certain levels, what David asks us to do is not something that has come instinctively. To intentionally set out to resolve interpersonal conflicts is like walking through a heavy wooden door without the certainty of what is waiting to greet us on the other side. That underlying fear or perhaps the knowledge that "this season is over so why bother with something I plan to leave here?" could be enough motive to completely skip this step. Don't!

 

The sun will breakthrough the dark clouds.

Through this part of my journey in transition, I have discovered this step can be very simple and also very healing. Although far from perfect, and I am certainly not saying "do as I do," I have discovered that this step does not have to be massively traumatic, nor does each reconciliation have to be a huge event with candles, tears and a dramatic argument. Although some may fall into that category, many fall into the simple misunderstanding or "think you personally are cool but don't think we work well together" criteria.

 

Over the years there are plenty of opportunities to offend, hurt others unintentionally and even walk away wondering what on earth went wrong? It is important to know that not everything can be resolved but "I did what I could." In some instances it has meant writing an email or facebook message, while others a face to face was required and sometimes a gift or a meal to "seal the deal" was needed. 

 

At first this step was overwhelming by the sheer magnitude of the years we have been here and the people we have encountered. So where do you start? For me, believe it or not, at the beginning. This has actually been a very rewarding experience (so far) as I have walked through memory lane and found so much more positive even in the midst of looking to see if there was a need for reconciliation anywhere. Try to enjoy the journey not harping on the painful and remember the next piece of the RAFT is way more fun.

Build a RAFT

Travel throughout different cultures can be a frightful journey or an enlightening, awe inspiring and memory building experience. There are so many ways to approach travel: the direct route, the guided tour, the back packers paradise or "adventures are us". Adventure is at the core of this family, guided tours are for the faint hearted, for those not willing to explore the back streets and get off the beaten path. When presented with a choice, heading out into the great unknown without guides is far more exciting than following the same path tread by tourists day after day.

 

This same mind set can be applied to life itself and for anyone who knows our family, life was created to be enjoyed, experienced with adventure not just lived. However, how does a change of this magnitude occur with the least trauma, emotional distress and long lasting pain? Moving back to Australia has so many mixed emotions involved that there is no easy way to express them all, in fact each family member feels something different. So what do we do? We build a RAFT.

 

For this journey of moving countries we have selected several tour guides to walk with us and make the path less treacherous. These guides have "been there done that" and have words of wisdom to help with the journey. David Pollock the author of "Third Culture Kids" is one such guide. His wisdom has been the tour guide for many a parent or individual preparing to move cultures. One of his suggestions to build a RAFT.

 

Reconciliation

Affirmation

Farewells

Think Destination

 

For practical demonstrations of what a RAFT looks like stay tuned for the next instalment of this blog.

Wearing the Other Shoe

Sometimes it seems to sneak up on you, with an intense desire to blindside you out of your comfort zone propelling you into something new. Initially, often seen as an adversary but given time and the right attitude can become an ally in the battle to never become stale and stagnant. For most people change is not comfortable and yet it is inevitable for those who desire to continue to grow and develop both individually and professionally. Thankfully in most circumstances change is accompanied by a less aggressive friend called transition, who given some room and time can cushion the blows of change creating a more palatable ride into what is looming on the horizon.

 

Change is constant and as missionaries we are very familiar with the transient lifestyle. Meeting new families, quickly becoming friends and inevitably saying goodbye because of change. We have learned to take relationships seriously, love hard but hold loosely because change has this nasty way of sneaking up and taking friends far away, over oceans and into different countries.

 

Having been wearing the "staying in the country and saying goodbye to friends" shoe again and again for so many years it is an unusual sensation and a completely different journey to be wearing the proverbial other shoe. This is a journey, not one to be taken lightly and not to be dismissed as trivial by anyone who may not understand the gravity of the situation being faced by the individual, especially the children involved in change.

 

Through this blog we invite you to walk through this journey of change as we pack up our lives in the Philippines and move back to Australia.