When I started writing this post I was sitting in my bed in the Philippines and planning on writing a magnificent blog for everyone on how we victoriously moved on from the pain and loss into life that no longer hurt. It just hasn't worked that way yet and thankfully after some much needed time with my Mum and Pastor Amy I am satisified that I am not just trying to move on and forget what has happened instead I am trying to reach a place where my emotions have been guided through all the areas where it has hurt because of loss.
This journey has involved a whole lot of learning about the powerful emotion, grief. I have been blessed to have incredible support during this journey and my true friends have shone so brightly and been such a blessing to me. I am still amazed at the connection that I felt for my precious child even though I had never had the privilege of meeting him/her. I am also stunned by the grief I have felt for "what could have been."
It has been over a month since we lost our baby and the feeling of loss is still real, the pain of losing someone so precious and the physical challenge of recovering from substantial blood loss are still a challenge. Although now I can look at babies without crying and I can celebrate with friends their joy in pregnancy. I am stronger physically and although not ready to run a 10km race, I did make the flight to Australia with no problems.
Grief is a powerful emotion and one that many of us don't know how to navigate when we are in the midst of it. This seems to result in either a determined pushing through which demands us to supress the emotions or we sink into a depression not knowing how to move on. Interestingly loss comes in many forms and grief can be attached to every type of loss, much like stress can be attached to every type of change...good and bad.
Next blog "Australia, Larger than Life"
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
What a rough an unpredictable month.
I battled for a while as to whether I would even publish this blog but after some convincing from friends who believe it might help others here it is, an open and honest look at my heart in the midst of pain.
The last month's events are I hope a once in a lifetime experience because I never want to live the lows of this month ever again.
December saw us lose one of our biggest supporters. This supporter was the main partner of the Young Men's Discipleship Home and also of a number of our team. The support just stopped with no warning, no reason and left us feeling high and dry. We received this news days before Christmas, for one of the young men the first Christmas he had ever been with people on.
New Year we celebrated in Kihan with friends of ours who have had a really rough month also and are now packing their bags to go back to Alaska off the mission field. We really enjoyed being with this family and the pain they have recently been through is very frustrating to me and I find myself once again in a place where I can't seem to do anything to help.
Beginning of January we lost one of our personal supporters. This couple have been our longest supporters starting back in 2002 and what hit us hard was not just the loss of support but the fact that our friends were having a hard time financially. When I received the email my heart broke for them, this is not God's plan.
January 14th Glen and I lost our baby to a miscarriage at only 9 weeks along. We may never know exactly what went wrong but we do know that during the process I lost a lot of blood and the surgeon was concerned I might die without immediate intervention. Somewhere through the process I had an allergic reaction to a drug and blew up like a puffer fish. Then like a comedy show during the night as I was recovering from the surgery there was an earthquake and my drip which was on the rolling stand next to my bed rolled away pulling the drip partly out of my arm.
So what next?
In the midst of all this pain that will definitely take time to process I can appreciate that after the whole physical process I am still alive...exhausted but alive.
The first thing I learned is that I can stop and just cry for a while before pushing on. Taking time just for me is extremely important and it is ok to say "no" to the overwhelming needs that we face almost daily living here in Davao...in fact it is important to say no and be "selfish." Rest is really important.
One of the ways to move forward when ready is to try and keep things in perspective. Sometimes the hurt and pain screams louder and is glaringly obvious, hiding the high points and the fun in the midst of the pain. As I look back over our last month it would be so easy to focus on the loss of life, the loss of partners and support, the pain of fellow ministers and the feelings of isolation and loneliness. Yet to be fair there have been some great highs too.
Our Christmas and New Year were both definitely high with friends playing the temporary role of family during these special times and making us and our children feel so valuable and important. We were blessed to have an impressive menu that the neighborhood kids from the squatter area were able to taste the following day...highlight watching one little boy eat lamb for the first time and say "it doesn't taste like chicken" lol.
Keeping perspective doesn't mean we should just try to put the painful events out of our mind either, just learning to focus in different places instead of always on the pain. How do we keep going? By holding onto the word of God and believing the truth it presents so clearly. "Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." I can walk through the valley and not stop there.
Ethan came to see me last week and asked when we would bury the baby and if we knew whether he had a brother or sister waiting for him in heaven? The faith of a child is surprisingly wonderful at righting a world that seems to have lurched violently to one side. We will indeed meet our precious child when we get to heaven and we will walk through this pain with the care, love and support of the people around us. Don't be isolated in the journey.
The last month's events are I hope a once in a lifetime experience because I never want to live the lows of this month ever again.
December saw us lose one of our biggest supporters. This supporter was the main partner of the Young Men's Discipleship Home and also of a number of our team. The support just stopped with no warning, no reason and left us feeling high and dry. We received this news days before Christmas, for one of the young men the first Christmas he had ever been with people on.
New Year we celebrated in Kihan with friends of ours who have had a really rough month also and are now packing their bags to go back to Alaska off the mission field. We really enjoyed being with this family and the pain they have recently been through is very frustrating to me and I find myself once again in a place where I can't seem to do anything to help.
Beginning of January we lost one of our personal supporters. This couple have been our longest supporters starting back in 2002 and what hit us hard was not just the loss of support but the fact that our friends were having a hard time financially. When I received the email my heart broke for them, this is not God's plan.
January 14th Glen and I lost our baby to a miscarriage at only 9 weeks along. We may never know exactly what went wrong but we do know that during the process I lost a lot of blood and the surgeon was concerned I might die without immediate intervention. Somewhere through the process I had an allergic reaction to a drug and blew up like a puffer fish. Then like a comedy show during the night as I was recovering from the surgery there was an earthquake and my drip which was on the rolling stand next to my bed rolled away pulling the drip partly out of my arm.
So what next?
In the midst of all this pain that will definitely take time to process I can appreciate that after the whole physical process I am still alive...exhausted but alive.
The first thing I learned is that I can stop and just cry for a while before pushing on. Taking time just for me is extremely important and it is ok to say "no" to the overwhelming needs that we face almost daily living here in Davao...in fact it is important to say no and be "selfish." Rest is really important.
One of the ways to move forward when ready is to try and keep things in perspective. Sometimes the hurt and pain screams louder and is glaringly obvious, hiding the high points and the fun in the midst of the pain. As I look back over our last month it would be so easy to focus on the loss of life, the loss of partners and support, the pain of fellow ministers and the feelings of isolation and loneliness. Yet to be fair there have been some great highs too.
Our Christmas and New Year were both definitely high with friends playing the temporary role of family during these special times and making us and our children feel so valuable and important. We were blessed to have an impressive menu that the neighborhood kids from the squatter area were able to taste the following day...highlight watching one little boy eat lamb for the first time and say "it doesn't taste like chicken" lol.
Keeping perspective doesn't mean we should just try to put the painful events out of our mind either, just learning to focus in different places instead of always on the pain. How do we keep going? By holding onto the word of God and believing the truth it presents so clearly. "Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." I can walk through the valley and not stop there.
Ethan came to see me last week and asked when we would bury the baby and if we knew whether he had a brother or sister waiting for him in heaven? The faith of a child is surprisingly wonderful at righting a world that seems to have lurched violently to one side. We will indeed meet our precious child when we get to heaven and we will walk through this pain with the care, love and support of the people around us. Don't be isolated in the journey.
We buried our precious baby on Sunday January 24th in the morning after family devotions. We appreciate everyone's prayers, well wishes and support.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Starting 2010
Starting 2010
The start of each year seems to be an obvious time to reevaluate everything that comprises of our lives. We are free to make plans and dream of what our future could hold, we can look at our current circumstances and list of activities and take stock. The new year has a similar effect on most of my friends. As the team leaders at Global Impact in Davao City, Philippines we do this a little more often but new year is a great time to review and redefine. Every year there is room to improve and a hope for something new...this year is no exception.
God has challenged Glen and I in many areas the last few months and with life constantly changing we took the time to review our years on the mission field and our future direction. God is not looking for our comfort or even to help our life become predictable He is looking for our growth, our willingness to change, open ears, quick obedience and an uncompromising love for Him and His word. Each of these qualities is what will help us stay on the straight and narrow and not get caught up with what the world thinks.
2010 for our team is once again focused on Matthew 28:18-20
18 Then Jesus came to them. He said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.
19 So you must go and make disciples of all nations. Baptize them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
20 Teach them to obey everything I have commanded you. And you can be sure that I am always with you, to the very end."
Glen and I developed a family mission statement sometime ago "We are to be living examples of disciplined followers of Christ, who help others walk out their destinies through discipling and mentoring." It fits very closely along side the mission of Global Impact "to help people grow, develop and flourish in all aspects of life (spiritual, vocational, relational and financial) through a variety of education training programs, orphanages/homes/care facilities and various forms of Christian ministry."
One of our friends reminded us recently "Glen, Sarah the people are the end, never a means to an end. So many ministries use people as a means to an end...don't do it."
Perhaps my next post will be more about the specifics for this year, for now though remember 1 Cor 13 and that is how we are to treat people, never as a means to an end. How am I showing God's unconditional love to others?
The start of each year seems to be an obvious time to reevaluate everything that comprises of our lives. We are free to make plans and dream of what our future could hold, we can look at our current circumstances and list of activities and take stock. The new year has a similar effect on most of my friends. As the team leaders at Global Impact in Davao City, Philippines we do this a little more often but new year is a great time to review and redefine. Every year there is room to improve and a hope for something new...this year is no exception.
God has challenged Glen and I in many areas the last few months and with life constantly changing we took the time to review our years on the mission field and our future direction. God is not looking for our comfort or even to help our life become predictable He is looking for our growth, our willingness to change, open ears, quick obedience and an uncompromising love for Him and His word. Each of these qualities is what will help us stay on the straight and narrow and not get caught up with what the world thinks.
2010 for our team is once again focused on Matthew 28:18-20
18 Then Jesus came to them. He said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.
19 So you must go and make disciples of all nations. Baptize them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
20 Teach them to obey everything I have commanded you. And you can be sure that I am always with you, to the very end."
Glen and I developed a family mission statement sometime ago "We are to be living examples of disciplined followers of Christ, who help others walk out their destinies through discipling and mentoring." It fits very closely along side the mission of Global Impact "to help people grow, develop and flourish in all aspects of life (spiritual, vocational, relational and financial) through a variety of education training programs, orphanages/homes/care facilities and various forms of Christian ministry."
One of our friends reminded us recently "Glen, Sarah the people are the end, never a means to an end. So many ministries use people as a means to an end...don't do it."
Perhaps my next post will be more about the specifics for this year, for now though remember 1 Cor 13 and that is how we are to treat people, never as a means to an end. How am I showing God's unconditional love to others?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
New Year Challenge
2010 has started with a challenge from the Compassion Army. Read the whole New Testament and book of Proverbs in the month of January. I love challenges as long as I succeed and unfortunately in the past these type of challenges or resolutions have only in essence added insult to injury. You see I am the type of person who likes to start with a bang and in a flurry with the intent not only to succeed but to be perfect. Then five days into the challenge when I wake up 30 minutes late and didn't finish my five chapters before work am inclined to either chastise myself or quit because I didn't do it right. Works in everything really ... exercise, new eating plans, skin care ... hey you name it.
I have started the challenge and I am taking an entirely different approach this year...perfect or not lets have fun and listen while we do it. So here's how I am taking the challenge:
1. Read the book of John (over the month) with Ethan and Jasmine at Bible time everyday
2. Read a Proverb everynight before bed - actually before even getting into bed or else sleep prevails fast and furiously
3. Read a couple of chapters from the other gospels in my personal devotion time
4. Listen to the rest on MP3
Way to conquer the "need for perfection" and enjoy the journey at the same time. Best part is if I miss a spot I don't fret, I am totally relaxed in this. 2010 will be a year of not aiming for perfection and enjoying the journey I am on with God.
I have started the challenge and I am taking an entirely different approach this year...perfect or not lets have fun and listen while we do it. So here's how I am taking the challenge:
1. Read the book of John (over the month) with Ethan and Jasmine at Bible time everyday
2. Read a Proverb everynight before bed - actually before even getting into bed or else sleep prevails fast and furiously
3. Read a couple of chapters from the other gospels in my personal devotion time
4. Listen to the rest on MP3
Way to conquer the "need for perfection" and enjoy the journey at the same time. Best part is if I miss a spot I don't fret, I am totally relaxed in this. 2010 will be a year of not aiming for perfection and enjoying the journey I am on with God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)